Sunday, October 30, 2011

One Year in the Books

So I've been at this for a year now. As there are probably more blogs than people, this makes me not special whatsoever. Still, after all my stupid articles, some of you are still reading (I assume), and I appreciate that. I'm normally not one to blow myself, but upon reflection, here are some of my favorites:

The Heart Attack Grill

I took a look at this infamous restaurant's policies and practices, and offered some unsolicited new slogans.

The Microdyne Days

I reminisced about a shitty job I had back in college. I talked about how it began, the crazy people I dealt with, and some things I learned along the way.

Grocery Shopping: I Hate It

Despite the fact that I should be thankful for having such an abundance of food a few blocks away, I was an asshole and chose to complain about it for trivial reasons instead, so hopefully it's at least a little funny.

Oatmeal: Pointless

I enjoy oatmeal at least a couple times a week, but for some reason decided to shit all over it because of its boringness.

The Formative Years

Because of how handsome/successful/stylish I am these days, you may have a hard time believing how fucking stupid I looked back in my younger years. Either that, or you look at how fucking stupid I look now, and upon reading this think "well that makes sense."

The Platypus, Why?

What a stupid piece of shit waste of a fucking animal. This article goes a bit more in depth than that, but that's the basic idea.

The Horror of Bengay

Apparently putting bengay on your balls is kind of a thing on the internet, but before any of my friends or I knew about that, we all tried it with hilarious/horrifying consequences.

More Public Transit Gripes

Here's one article from my series of complaints about dealing with public transit. Obviously I'm grateful that it exists and life would be a huge pain in the ass without it, but that doesn't mean I can't still talk shit.

Some Things I've Figured Out

Here's a list I wrote that will convince some of you out there that don't know me very well that I am slowly but surely becoming an adult. Don't be fooled though, watch: LOL FART!


Here's a completely random article that illustrates how sometimes I can take a silly idea and run with it, often turning what was once a mere pointless observation into a big long pointless article. But again, hopefully at least a little funny.

Journey to England Part I

Here's what kicked off my so far 10 part series about my trip to England and parts of Europe. I should probably getting around to finishing that..

So, there you have it. It might be fairly clear that writing is not my main thing, but I hope you're all enjoying the articles. If you haven't read some of these, enjoy and read some more!


Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Continuing Internet Vigilantism

Remember how before, I wrote about "facts" on the internet, and researched them to see if they were true? Well I'm gonna do that again.

Vigilante Dog

Nobody Knows who Invented Eyeglasses
Hmm, that doesn't seem right. We know who invented the cotton gin, and nobody gives a fuck about that anymore, so how can we not know who invented glasses? I know If I invented something that awesome I'd tell everyone immediately. 

Well actually, I bet that was the plan for the guy who invented them all along. He tried them out for the first time and thought "holy shit these work" and was so excited about finally doing something not useless that he had a heart attack and died. And by the time he was found he was just a skeleton holding a mysterious new invention. I picture two people stumbling upon his corpse:

"Whoa, what's this scary skeleton holding? Whoa coole, do you suppose this guy invented these things?"

"Yeah probably, who is he?"

"I dunno man it's just a skeleton. Skeletons all look alike."

"Ok, maybe he's holding a note with his name on it?"

"Well even if he was how would we knowe it's not someone else's name?"

"Shit. Wait, how do we know it's not a lady skeleton?"

"Good pointe. How can you telle?"

"I dunno check the relative width of their shoulders and hips or something."

And then they continued with their anatomy discussion and fuck if they every figured out who the person actually was. 

So is this "fact" just bullshit or do we really not know? 

Well, according to wikipedia, I think we've got it narrowed down far enough so that's good enough for me, let's move on. 

Oh and I couldn't find a suitable picture for any of this crap, so here's a bunny in midair.

Humans Swallow 7/8/75 Spiders in a Year/Lifetime
Ohhh boy, we've all heard this one before. Apparently the only reason we aren't covered in spiders all the time is because we move around? Like as soon as we fall asleep they come out of their hiding spots and say "let's go in that dude's mouth, and after it's pretty clear that we shouldn't be there let's get swallowed somehow instead of just crawling back out." Hmm, I dunno about that, and here's why:

First, like I've just illustrated, it seems like it's against a creature's best interest to crawl into the mouth of a sleeping giant that will kill them. 

Second, who's gathering this data? Did some dude wake up with a spider in his mouth one morning and think "well fuck me that probably happens 7 or 8 times a year!" If you think about it, the nature of this fact implies we're swallowing the evidence, which means the only way to verify it would be to videotape someone's mouth while they sleep every night for however long it takes for a spider to crawl in there. 

And finally, if it's based in fact, why does the amount vary so much 7? 20? 75? Every year? A lifetime? But hey I'll play devil's advocate and admit that I guess you can't rule out the possibility, because bugs can do some weird shit.

Well, with astoundingly little effort, you'll find the myth debunked herehere, and here and probably a million other places. Seriously, all you have to do is type "do we swallow spiders in our sleep" into google and you'll be flooded with sites screaming "no shithead"

So there you go. If I hear anyone else repeat this fact, go ahead and climb aboard the train to punch-town, next stop your face.

Some Beaver Dams are over 1000 Years Old.
Whoa. That's older than your mom. Who the hell figured this out? And how the fuck did they figure it out? And who the fuck cares? Did a guy watch a beaver damn get built, then when he was about to die he was all "wait, I gotta get someone to find out how long this thing hangs around" and so he told his son "hey man keep track of this" and so forth for generations? On top of that: even if you knew the age of the wood, how do you know how long the wood has been arranged into a beaver dam? Except for almost your mom, nobody is old enough to know this for sure right?

Well when doing my research, I stumbled across the following and kind of got distracted because it's god damn hilarious:

Apparently we've all been looking in the wrong place.

So instead of researching further I'll just assume they figured stuff out using some sciency combination of technology and and databases. They probably carried the one at some point too.

The Creature with the Biggest Brain in Proportion to its Size is the Ant
Yeah? Well they still seem pretty fucking dumb to me.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

The Man that Took a Poo, and Almost Killed us All

I was listening to a podcast recently, where guys were talking about eating hot food and subsequently almost shitting themselves, and I got to thinking about poo stories, because I'm mature. One experience in particular sprang to mind after years of dormancy. I shared this experience with several of you out there, so let's take a trip down memory lane. 

And to those of you who haven't heard this story, enjoy. 


It was the high school senior trip, late spring of 2003 (Yup, I'm old). We took a few buses to York Beach, Maine. These weren't regular school buses, they were fancy "coaches" if you will. You know, the kind with toilets in the back. That will become important later. 

So, we all mucked around the beach and pier that day, doing some swimming, frisbee, checking out random stores and arcades, just hanging out having a good time. After exploring, the plan was for everybody to meet for lunch at the Goldenrod restaurant at a designated time. Yum! And instead of forcing us to pay for our lunches, the school graciously gave every last one of us a $20 meal voucher. 

Now, you might expect $20 to not get us very far. Perhaps it would pay for a sandwich and a drink, but if we wanted to get anything fancy, we might have to dip into our own pockets. Not so. Not even fucking close. 

Whoever was in charge of securing lunch funds must have not bothered to check the Goldenrod's menu ahead of time, foolishly having the same suspicions about the cost of a meal that I just highlighted above. Well, they certainly fucked that one up, because the staples of this menu included basic things like hot dogs, hamburgers, and grilled cheese at the un-fucking-believable prices of $2 $3 and $4. Some people were fine with ordering one or two things, content to just forfeit the rest of their voucher in an attempt to not get utterly fucking stuffed and feel like shit for the rest of the day. Not my friends and I! We were ready to take advantage, and stretch that $20 to the fullest extent of the law. 

Spectators likely watched in horror as everyone at our table started wolfing down three or four hot dogs each. Some of us also added a burger or two, or scavenged other's plates for fries or half of a grilled cheese. After eating far more than any humans ever should, we realized we all still had a few dollars left on our vouchers, and we'd be damned if we were to let that go to waste. So we got ice cream.

Must eat.....FOREVER... 

Little did we know, somewhere in probably a dark corner, a teacher with a digestive problem was also taking full advantage.

So finally, the gluttony ended. I've never needed to be escorted from a restaurant in a wheelchair quite as badly as I did that day. We were all miserably full, and instead of going back to having fun, we all collapsed on a pile of rocks near the beach in agony, calmed by the thought that soon our burden would be slightly lessened after what was sure to be a series of truly unforgettable dumps. After a period of time, one of us finally broke the silence and said "alright, that's it, who wants to come shit with me?"

And unforgettable it was. But the story does not end there.

We all piled back onto the bus, straight to the back near the toilet just in case any of us felt an encore performance coming on. Well, thankfully it didn't come to that...

For us...

So at this point we were all deep in the midst of our food comas, and probably about 90 minutes or so had elapsed since we left the restaurant. Well apparently, for the entirety of that 90 minutes, the teacher with digestive problems was becoming a vehicle for a foul hellish beast, soon to be furiously unleashed upon our poor unsuspecting bus. 

This guy, who shall remain anonymous, was normally a fairly slow mover. Not today. We all saw him arise from the front of the bus and lumber through the aisle with a haste that clearly communicated to everyone that this was a fucking EMERGENCY.

Now, at this point all of us in the back knew that we were in for some unpleasantness, but I don't think any of us were able to fathom just how truly awful it was to become. 

A ghastly silence came over us. For several seconds, it seemed as if maybe the door to the bathroom was in fact enough of a barrier to mitigate the stench to tolerable levels. Fucking, nope. SO WRONG. JESUS CHRIST I CAN TASTE IT. 

I cannot put into words how awful the stench was, but I'll try: Imagine if you were to compress all the shits anyone has ever taken in the history of earth into a box, then added garlic.

Some of the jokes thrown around I remember to this day:

  • "Oh god I can smell it when I exhale."
  • "He must've eaten rotting corpses for lunch."
  • "This my friends, is the intestinal holocaust."

And the worst part was just how long we had to endure the awfulness. What we assumed was an initial burst of utter digestive failure that would slowly depreciate in repugnancy, was actually an ungodly force that seemed to gather strength from the objects around it. None of us could breathe. We would take turns testing the air one at a time, and for what must've been 15 minutes, there was no relief. People halfway up the bus were turning their heads in horror, only to see the dozen or so of us at ground zero with tears in our eyes. It was utterly fucking mind-blowing to us all that one person was capable of such a tragedy. 

He finally exited the stall and did the walk of shame back to the front of the bus, no doubt knowing that he had just achieved the dump that would soon leave the air, but never leave our minds.