Monday, November 15, 2010

The Platypus. Why?

Seriously what the fuck is going on with this animal? We all just take this pile of spare parts for granted. "Oh sure, the platypus, yeah it's furry, it swims and looks funny I guess." And then we forget about it, in an effort to continue thinking the world makes sense.

Well it doesn't. The rest of the animal kingdom was going along fine, and then WHEEEE the platypus drops out of the sky and fucks everything up. This thing is part beaver, part duck, part manatee, and part stupid. Remember that whole kingdom phylum class order family genus species jazz back from middle school science? Well this thing is the only animal in its family. That's right, the biological classification system used to distinguish every living thing from one another, and this thing has three tiers all to itself. 

Which means this:

and this:


Have more in common with each other biologically than this thing:


has in common with anything else on earth. Let's give it some fur! Now let's give it flippers! Only they won't be as good as flippers, they'll be weirder shaped and less useful. Fuck it! Let's put a bill on it! Ok what else, how about we make it the shape of a pile of shit? 


If it didn't already exist, and some kid had an art project where they had to design an animal, and that's what they came up with, they would fucking fail art. They'd probably get made fun of too, and you know what? They'd deserve it.

The only good thing about it is that it lays eggs, because eggs can't run, making them easier to destroy.


Oh, and platypuses can poison you. Just what we needed! That's like going up to a group of people and saying "Hmm, which one of you is the dumbest?" and giving them a gun. There is no way we can trust this animal with the responsibility of poison. It probably fucks it up all the time. Imagine the klutziest person you know. Now imagine every time they dropped a plate or stubbed their toe somebody died. This is the kind of animal we're dealing with.  Go to its habitat and find something dead? A Platypus probably accidentally did it. 


Whoever discovered platypuses must've thought "well, I'm going to go back to being an alcoholic now" because they made so little sense and that was the only way to deal with it. I'm so glad this thing doesn't live in the US. I'd be having a great day and then I'd remember I'm not at least 10,000 miles from most platypuses and my day would be ruined. 


So let's recap. Furry egg laying beady eyed wishes-it-was-a-beaver creature with poison barbs on its feet and a bill on its face. That exists. Great. I'm going to go back to thinking about anything else.

Platypuses are actually kind of cute and I want one as a pet and weapon.


  1. But they are great at parties...

  2. Probably the LOLiest post yet. Wow.

    "I'd be having a great day and then I'd remember I'm not at least 10,000 miles from most platypuses and my day would be ruined" and "the responsibility of poison" are HISTORICAL.