Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Oatmeal: Pointless

Oatmeal, the final frontier.

Hahah that has nothing to do with the rest of the article. I just thought it'd be funny to start it that way. Anyway..

Why write about oatmeal? Because after this I'm pretty sure I'll have the oatmeal article monopoly. As long as this page gets two hits ever, it will be atop the list when you search for it on google. 

Nobody talks about oatmeal ever. Why?  

.... :(

When was the last time you were excited for oatmeal? The answer is never. Don't bother thinking back. Sure we all eat it from time to time, but only because it's one of those foods that falls under the category of "because I should, right?" but never "because I like it". Also falling into this category are things like rice cakes, celery, and multivitamins. Every time you see somebody eating it, they're usually doing something else too, like reading the newspaper right? That's so they don't have to think about what they're eating.

Let's look at the pros and cons of this breakfast staple.

Pro - It Won't Kill You
That's always a plus, so remember that fact. 

Not oatmeal.

Well that's it for pros. Let's look at the cons.

Con - It's Impossible to Eat Quickly.
Late for work but need a bite to eat? I hope you've got something else, because have you ever tried to wolf down a bowl of oatmeal? Fucking impossible. A wolf couldn't even wolf it down. Why is that? Well, the consistency of some foods causes your gag reflex to kick in should you try to swallow too much. You could seriously be starving, and if you try to eat oatmeal with any sort of voracity, your stomach would say "hey hey, I know it's been awhile, but let's RELAX." 

Now, if you take smaller bites over a reasonable amount of time, this lets your gag reflex go "Oh, this isn't vomit? Sorry!" Then you're free to swallow away. This brings me to my next point:

Con - It Looks Like Vomit.
We as a species generally try not to eat things that look like they've already been eaten. I blame our selfish digestive systems, always wanting first crack.

Sorry, I don't deal in used goods.

So it's understandable for someone to look at oatmeal and think "I wonder what that was, originally?" Maybe it looks perfectly edible to you, but that's probably because it's in a bowl. Take it out of its natural habitat and put it say, anywhere else, and your vomit alarm is bound to go off.

Con - It Doesn't Taste Like Anything.
I don't know about you, but I like the satisfaction of knowing my tongue still works, so when I take a spoonful of plain oatmeal and get no sensory input whatsoever, I'm a little concerned. The only way to get any sort of flavorful experience out of a bowl of oatmeal is if you add maple syrup, brown sugar, cinnamon, or some sort of fruit. Fuck that. I want my food to be able to stand on its own at least a little, not exist solely as a vehicle for something else. 

Let's forget oatmeal was ever here.

Con - You Can't Put Ketchup On It. 
I know, there are a lot of things you can't put ketchup on. By itself, this isn't a huge deal, but add it to all that other shit I've mentioned and oatmeal is starting to look like a huge fucking drag isn't it?

Con - If You Don't Wash the Bowl Right Away, You Might as Well Throw it Out. 
Second on my list of things I never want to do, just behind "dying" is wash a bowl with dried oatmeal stuck to it. What a colossal pain in the ass. Somehow washing oatmeal off when it's wet is like this: 

But after it's dried, it's like this:

You need some sort of blow-torch machine gun to get rid of it. Even if you do somehow get the oatmeal off, chances are you've destroyed the bowl to do it. That would be like putting a dent in your car every time you put gas in it.   

Con - It Rhymes With Bloat Eel.

Con - It's a "Breakfast Only" Food.
Oatmeal has no versatility. Eggs, bacon, sausage, pancakes, toast, fruit, cereal. Any one of those traditional breakfast foods can be eaten during other meals no problem. Pancakes for dinner is rare, but when it happens you think "FUCK YEAH BEST IDEA EVER". Oatmeal for dinner means you're probably in prison. And cereal? Cereal can be eaten at any time of the day or night! Pretty sure I've accidentally eaten that shit in my sleep. If you've ever had oatmeal for a midnight snack, you make me sick.

Con - Oatmeal Raisin Cookies.
Worst cookies ever, only because you always think they're chocolate chip for a second. Anything that takes part in that travesty is bullshit in my book. 

Chapter One - Oatmeal.

Con - It's Fucking Baige.  
Yeah oatmeal sucks, but at least it's not the most boring color in the world. OH WAIT.

There's actually a color of paint called oatmeal. Here's what it looks like:


If you're not sure what that feeling you just experienced was, it's called "hopelessness". 

Don't adjust your monitor, it won't get any better.

Con - It Only Has One Pro.


1 comment:

  1. Major LOLz at the gun, the con of only having one pro, and the cover of your new book. Preordering on Oatmealmazon for sure!