Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Job Interviews, Fuck 'em!

Let's talk about interviews. Or rather, I'm going to talk to you about interviews, and you're gonna sit there, and fucking enjoy yourself.

K! Job interviews, where you can go from this

to this

in seconds. We all know the importance of preparation, practicing answers to questions like "What makes you think you'd be an asset to this company?" and just getting a general idea of how the company works so you can seem knowledgeable when it begins. But we all still fuck it up sometimes don't we? There's always that one question that blindsides you, or one that's so vague that you ramble on for a few minutes without even being sure if you answered the question or not.

Tell me, what's your impression of business in the world? In general?

The interviewer might not even care about the answer, he or she is just asking to  see if you buckle when someone asks you something fucked up. All I can say is you better have an answer. There's no worse feeling than when you get asked a question, and you think for a second, then another second, then haha why haven't you thought of anything yet idiot? Even if the interviewer shrugs off the awkward pause, the panic you felt for those few moments sticks with you, and won't leave you alone. 

Oh hi! 
Soon you're very aware of everything but the task at hand. Once you start to get nervous while speaking, one of two things is bound to happen: The Sudden Awkward Noise Phenomenon, or Swallow Procrastination. I'm not sure which is worse. With Sudden Awkward Noise Phenomenon, your mouth has started to get a little dry, but no worries right? You just keep on talking when suddenly *HWRHAP* your voice cuts out and you kind of cough at the same time. 

Artist's interpretation
It's so unexpected so as to render any preventative measures useless. No pausing to put your hand over your mouth for this one, it's out into the world already, and you're left sitting there looking like a fucking idiot. 

And I'm sure you're all familiar with Swallow Procrastination. A little bit of nerves seems to make the swallow reflex extra strong, hence the classic *gulp* in cartoons or movies when the character fucks something up. 

Hmm what does this button do?
So there you are talking about something super important and insightful when the urge to swallow starts coming on. You'll be fine though I'm sure, just keep talking dipshit. It gets stronger and stronger. You're mid sentence now, so you can't stop. Suddenly you're in a race to finish your statement before the urge becomes too great.

"AndthatsirishowIfeelaboutbusinessinthewor--*GULP* today...."


Looks like somebody should've swallowed when they had the chance. 

Now you have to somehow recover from the fact that your nervousness has cleary presented itself. You'll have to tell them not to worry about that noise, it happens when you talk to ugly people sometimes, or something. Then make sure to laugh nervously, accidentally kick something over on your way out, then sneeze in your hand but go for the handshake anyway out of habit, because your only chance at this point is to make them feel sorry for you.    

Joking aside though, my interview today went fairly well. 

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