Tuesday, December 7, 2010

This One Time, Someone Stole my Bike

I was never the kid with all the cool shit. As angry as that made me in my younger years, I feel it has no doubt shaped my personality for the better. It taught me the value of working for things that you want. Also I could probably kick your ass at super mario world, because I was still playing it even after playstation and N64 came out. 

Yeah motherfucker.

However, every once in awhile I did get something awesome, so I cherished it. One of those awesome things was a new bike, which I got for my 12th birthday. I'd had bikes before, but this was a fucking.. bike. It cost hundreds of dollars more than my previous bikes, which is a lot of money when you're 12. 

Those previous bikes I just mentioned in that paragraph up there got all shitty really fast, so my dad figured "Hell, we'll get him a more expensive bike that will last awhile. This will probably save money in the long run."  

And I'll finally complete my solid gold pyramid.

The model was a trek, and some numbers. I don't remember what the numbers were, but I seem to remember everyone else's trek had higher numbers. Whatever, my bike was fucking green and it was a 24 speed and it kicked ass.  

Now that I had a bike that was built properly I could ride faster and harder without fear of parts falling off it. Plus, I wore a helmet, which made me indestructible. 


Since I was indestructible,  I would take this bike down the steepest hills on earth as fast as possible, and take it for rides on gnarly trails, off buildings etc... I can't remember if I named my bike, but I wasn't very cool when I was 12 so the answer is probably yes. 

Then one day it all came crashing down. 

For you visual learners.

I'd had my bike for about a year, and one day I went to fetch it from the shed behind my house, and it was gone. 

"Oh, someone must've brought it inside for some reason." Nope. 

"Okokok..*panicking* maybe I rode it somewhere, immediately forgot I rode it there and then walked home?" Nope, that shit only happened when you were drunk, and I was 12. 

Hmm, no way it could've been stolen. That doesn't happen...ok well it does, but not to me. 

I refused to accept it. Then later, we found out a couple of neighbors also had their bikes stolen. So, finally it sunk in. Some worthless bag of shit had stolen my bike. I guess that someone wanted to die, because they had just made an otherwise innocent 12 year old capable of murder.  

I pictured myself walking down the street, and spotting the thief on my bike. Then I pictured that person getting hit by a train. I pictured them owning a new hot air balloon, taking it for a spin, and crashing it into high voltage electrical wiring. I pictured them accidentally shitting their pants in a really public place. I pictured them buying a brand new car, then somehow finding out it was pre-owned. I pictured them going to the store only to find out their favorite brand of peanut butter was out of stock. I pictured them with a pathological fear of bread, then meeting the girl of their dreams, only to find out she works in a bakery. I pictured them buying a new pair of pants then gaining a bunch of weight and the pants not fitting anymore. I pictured them not knowing how to swim and getting invited to a pool party. I pictured them liking lame music and everyone finding out. I pictured them being allergic to love. 

These were the things that got me through.

I never found out who it was. If you have any information, please email me.    


  1. "That shit only happened when you were drunk, and I was 12." Hahaha.

    I'm glad you've decided to finally ramp up the investigation of this theft. Better late than never.

  2. http://www.whatever-whenever.net/blog/2010/08/justice-in-brooklyn/

    ^NYC account of a stolen/recovered bike. Awesome.

  3. Remember that time. How unfortunate to deprive a kid of his bike. Stole Dave's bike too.. Wonder what ever happened to those bikes.

  4. It still to this day drives me nuts that super mario world only went to *96 Time and time again I kept playing it... then eventually realized it meant exits... not a percentage complete.

    but even then, 96 exits? why stop there?

  5. Could be worse.
    My little sister and I would ride our bikes across town to buy candy and whatnot at the drug store, and we would never use the bike locks. Why would we? We had the kind you could wiggle open and break into, and we learned you could break into them when we were like 8, so needless to say useless.

    WELL THEN, ONE AWFUL AWFUL DAY, we came out to the front of the shop and BOTH of the bikes were gone.

    We cried and ate candy all the way home.

    When we told our harrowing story to our parents they laughed at us and admitted THEY had stolen our bikes from all the way across town to scare us smart.
    Never worked still Dumb.