Tuesday, December 14, 2010

The Heart Attack Grill

Perhaps some of you have heard of this real place. Menu items shamelessly high in portion size, calories, fat and death. Their philosophy on cooking is apparently "fuck it". They coat food in lard and offer "bypass burgers" of the single, double, triple and quadruple varieties. People over 350lbs. eat for free. 


It's hospital themed, presumably so that when customers wake up in an actual hospital it won't be such an adjustment. Waitresses are "nurses". Customers are "patients". Meals are "prescriptions". What the "fuck"? 

I don't even know what to say about this place. But I noticed their motto is "Taste...Worth Dying For!" I think I can do better, so I'm going to offer some of my own mottoes in this post. Maybe the owners will come across it, use one of them, and then I will earn royalties. 

The Heart Attack Grill: Why Other Countries Hate Us.

The Heart Attack Grill: Yes. We're Trying to Kill You.

The Heart Attack Grill: Fuck You.

The Heart Attack Grill: You're Gonna Die Sometime, Why Not Much Much Sooner than you Expected?

The Heart Attack Grill: Set the New High Score! (Blood Pressure-wise).

The Heart Attack Grill: We Found All This Extra Lard Lying Around, Want Some?

The Heart Attack Grill: Why Do All of our Customers Keep Dying?

The Heart Attack Grill: Bring Me Solo and the Wookie. Hoo Hoo Hoo.

The Heart Attack Grill: Free Vomit Buckets!

The Heart Attack Grill: You Seriously Might Have One. 

The Heart Attack Grill: Ever Been Carried Home in a Wheelbarrow? 

The Heart Attack Grill: Donate Your Clothes After you Eat! Since you know, they Probably Don't Fit Anymore. 

The Heart Attack Grill: Quite Possibly the Last Place You'll Ever See.

The Heart Attack Grill: 'Merica

The Heart Attack Grill: You Definitely Might Not Die.

The Heart Attack Grill: *Gurgle*

Now, I support a lot of libertarian ideals, but this place makes me rethink my position. With these people sure, it's their life, and they can do what they want to their own bodies, but maybe only with the stipulation that they know full well what they're doing going into it. We are a nation of ignorance, where it's possible people actually think "I can stand up under my own power most of the time, I must be pretty healthy". Then they see the sign about being 350lbs. and eating for free. "Surely nobody would encourage something like that were it not healthy!" 


Ok ok, so I'm sure "A Taste...Worth Dying For!" plus the whole hospital theme, and you know, common sense, clues these people into the fact that yes, eating like this is extraordinarily bad for you. But when corpulence becomes a gimmick to this extent, the reality of the dangers behind it are overshadowed by the fact that HEY THIS SHIT TASTES FUCKING GREAT AND OUR WAITRESSES ARE HOT KIND OF I GUESS AND WE ALL LOVE YOU HERE'S A GIANT BUCKET OF MEAT AND FAT. 

These people may need somebody to step in and save them from themselves. I still support the idea that "it's your life, do what you want", but Jesus Christ.

(By the way, did anyone else think of this?)


  1. I wouldn't be caught dead going in there!

  2. Oh man, even their shirts aren't at all appealing. Who wants to walk around wearing a shirt that says, "I Love HAG"