Thursday, December 2, 2010

Hammerhead Sharks Look Stupid

Let's take something terrifying, like a shark, and mix it with home improvement. Great idea.

I really wish this thing didn't exist. 

Now you wish it didn't too!

And by this thing, I really mean these nine things, as there are nine different species of hammerhead shark, which is about nine times as many as we need. 

Imagine if you were the first person to see one of these. We'll never know who that actually was since I'm sure they immediately killed themselves, but just imagine. 

I picture someone swimming in the ocean having a great time, and then one of these comes floating by. They must have assumed someone took a regular shark and flattened its head with a mallet. Smashy smash, everything's going along fine, eyes bulging out in a cartoon fashion, and it just wouldn't die.

What other alarming features does this thing have? Let's see.

Well since it's eyes are on the end of long tubes of horror, it can basically see you no matter where you are. And that doesn't even matter, cause it's nostrils are pretty far apart, giving it pinpoint accuracy in that regard too! This means it could close its eyes and smell you no matter where you are. The only way this thing is not finding you is if you happen to not look or smell like food, which you don't, so you're fucked.

But bring these just in case.

They also form schools during the day, look!

Oh you don't like sharks? Well fuck you, here's one hundred of them.

I don't know what it is about things people don't like, but they always seem to love to hang out in groups. Spiders, zombies, locusts..

They always come in swarms. Hammerhead sharks of course are no different. If they could just swim alone, I would be apt to assume they also die alone, and that would make me feel much better.

Here's another fun fact. One species of hammerhead shark has been found to reproduce asexually. Great. That means if we don't literally kill every last god damn one of them, they'd still be capable of coming back and taking over the world.

Go get your head stuck in a door you dumb son of a bitch.

I can only guess how evolution allowed this to happen. A hammerhead shark must've one day caught it's gross reflection in something and thought "well, I guess I'm on my own." And I'll be damned if it didn't actually figure out asexual reproduction, to the chagrin of every other living thing on earth. Probably even pygmy marmosets.

"You're shitting me."

And I saved the best for last. It has electro receptive sensors on it's face to detect electric currents. So you could be wearing the best hammerhead shark proof suit money can buy, but if you're wearing a watch that day you're still fucked. It can detect down to half a billionth of a volt! THAT'S SO LITTLE ELECTRICITY! What doesn't give off a half a billionth of a volt? The hammerhead must be swimming around just fucking knowing everything about the ocean. 

Brilliant Photoshop Skills.

Keep hammers in the tool boxes, and off the heads of sharks. That is all.

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