Sunday, September 18, 2011

Weird or Crazy Work Shit

I haven't posted anything in awhile, mostly because I was in Maine for the summer. Well, no I guess that's not it. It's not like they don't have computers in Maine. I guess I didn't post for awhile because, I dunno, shut up. Anyway, I figured I'd bust back onto the scene with a few stories about weird shit I've seen at various jobs over the years. 

Guy Tries to Use a Fake ID, gets Piledrived.

Well here's what happened. This suave looking motherfucker strutted into Tekserve one day while I was working up front. He told me he wanted to buy a computer. I signed him up for an appointment and then doot do do, off he went with a salesman. Several minutes later, he was pacing around the front of the store and asked me if I've seen the salesman he was talking to, because he was "taking awhile getting his computer". I checked it out, and it turned out the customer was using a fake ID. At Tekserve, we're wicked fucking awesome at spotting that shit so little did he know, when he thought he was waiting for his computer, he was really waiting for the police to arrive. 

A bit more time passed, and the brilliant rocket scientist of a thief put the puzzle together in his head and realized "they still have my ID. Hmm, don't people usually not need to keep that?" So he casually tried to exit. The security guard was all

So he tried to play it cool. 

And by play it cool I mean "leap over a wall past the guard but fall and then get smashed into the door when trying to stand back up and escape."

So broken glass everywhere, customers panicking, police arriving, and an attempted thief getting his ass thrown to the ground and cuffed. 

So remember kids, make sure the dude making your fake ID knows what he's doing!

Woman Almost has Heart Attack
The day started like any other day. I was wandering around trying to look helpful while not necessarily being helpful, and I got approached by a slightly older woman. She had complicated questions about how to properly sync her ipad and blah blah blah. It was early, so I wasn't quite in the "I want to get the fuck out of here" mode yet, so I actually try to explain how the process worked even though I could've easily sent her off to the department that more directly deals with that.

I quickly realized it was going to be an uphill battle because I foolishly assumed she knew what things like "files" and "computers" were. At one point, it seemed like we were making some headway, when she stopped and said "Ok, just give me a second, I just need to..." and she trailed off, closed her eyes and stood there silently.


I Assumed she just had a weird way of learning things and needed to silently contemplate everything I'd just said to fully absorb it, so I waited patiently. Shortly thereafter she rejoined planet earth and said 

"I have a heart condition, my heart was doing some weird things just then so I needed to make sure everything was ok."

I had never really thought about what I'd say in the event someone randomly divulged a serious medical problem, so I just said "um...are you alright?" to which she replied "I think so." 

See, I was really hoping for a "yes" there, so then I had to start wondering if I was going to need to call 911 pretty soon. She told me she had medication, and since I wasn't really prepared to see anyone die, I almost blurted out "ok well then take some of that shit". 

That makes sense right? Why wait until your heart actually stops to take the medication? Well, thankfully she carried on fairly heart-attack free from that point on. The only other oddity was that at one point, her eyes started to tear up. Now, I'm not a doctor, but I'm pretty sure eyes water for reasons mostly unrelated to heart failure, so I relaxed a bit.

She lived. And eventually, I passed her ipad problems on to someone else because fuck that shit I was mostly making stuff up anyway.

Find Out Boss Also Films Porn in Office
So I had been working at place we'll call it, for a little while. It was mostly with people my own age so it was a decent environment. The boss however was a german dude at least fifteen years older than all of us. He seemed nice enough, but I suspected there were some stories about him, and I had wondered for a little while how all the coworkers felt about him. Well after talking with a few of them, it came to my attention that the boss also occasionally filmed porn in this room behind his office.

Not his office.


I thought maybe it was a joke, but no it most certainly wasn't. Not only did that perpetuate some stereotypes, it was fucking gross and weirded me out. But it didn't seem to bother anybody else, and it was pretty fun to joke about so fuck it. I guess it wasn't really any of my business what he did on his own time anyway. 

Then one day he sent me and another guy to take his car and go pick up a mattress for his office. It was very uncomfortable helping transport that mattress, knowing full well what it was going to be used for. It occurred to me that the boss was now in a way making it everyone else's business what he used that alcove behind his office for. I quit shortly thereafter. 

Guy Walks Around with Shit on Pants
This was from years ago while working at a scrap metal yard in Maine. A guy with shit on his pants you say? In a scrap yard you also say? Yes, I say. 

So yeah, it immediately makes more sense when you know the context. It wasn't like I was in an office building and someone walked by with shit on their suit. 

"Whoops. Had a bit of an accident.."

So this scrap yard job mostly involved local folks coming to drop off pickup trucks or trailers full of old scrap metal for us to weigh and sort so they could get a bunch of extra cash. I saw my fair share of unintelligible trailer trash, but I'd say most of the folks were just everyday people. 

But, like I just said, some of these people were all kinds of fucked up. They communicated in vague gestures and grunts, were missing teeth and were usually shirtless. One thing they basically all were however, was shitless. It makes sense, because you tend to learn pretty early on in life that walking around with shit on yourself is pretty unacceptable. Well this one diamond in the rough either never learned that lesson, or just didn't give a fuck about anything. He was a heavy set man probably in his 30s, with a gut hanging down over his elastic waistband cutoff gray sweatpants. I noticed a couple of my friends stifling some laughter in front of this guy, and I had just assumed it was because he was a big funny looking fucking gross dude. Then the man turned, and my friends pointed out his problem. 



Or maybe he knew it was there and thought "well, I'm not exactly trying to keep up appearances with anyone so instead of changing my shorts I'll just walk around WITH SHIT ON THEM ALL DAY. YES THAT SOUNDS RIGHT. I COME UP WITH BRILLIANT SOLUTIONS."