Tuesday, November 16, 2010

The Formative Years

Recently I realized "I don't have a time machine." This upset me, because upon looking at pictures of myself in my younger years, I realized having one would definitely come in handy. 

Let's start at the beginning:

Here I am in my super-villain years. I'm smiling like that either because I just played out a world domination scene in my head or saw my reflection and thought "that train on my overalls is fucking awesome." 

Or, I had just finished my masterpiece

I think I was about 7 months old in this picture. See how that blanket is unnaturally ruffled up behind me? That's because my mom is secretly buried within it, holding me up, because I was unable to even sit up under my own power at this point. So maybe that's why I'm cackling. This was the first time I saw the world from the vantage point of "not on my back". But anyway, let's skip ahead a couple years.

Here I am at about 4 years old or so. At this point I still wasn't really dressing myself, so everything was still under control. A fairly normal picture despite the black, soulless eyes. 

Tell me your secrets...
Let's move on to third grade:

Well, this is interesting. Nothing goes with a purple tie dyed shirt like an unzipped gray fleece with a slightly popped collar. I was so ahead of my time fashion-wise, people just didn't understand. If you see any regret in my smile it's because I left my zebra print scarf at home that day. That would've tied the whole ensemble together nicely. 

Onto fourth grade!

Do you guys like my hamburglar costume? They wouldn't let me wear the mask and hat, but I think you get the idea. Also, the solitary button in the middle of the collar is where they hang the inmate number from, but they didn't want that in the picture either. So many restrictions on picture day, jeez. You might not be able to tell, but this was about the time my parents realized "oh god his teeth are growing in all fucked up."

Fifth grade!

Apparently the theme of this picture day was "wear a shirt you will never wear again". Or maybe "look as dumb as possible". I guess someone had a turquoise shirt and thought "this thing doesn't have enough random black stripes." Or maybe it was my rugby uniform, not sure. Look at the collar on this one. Doesn't it look like I'm wearing two shirts? Nope, one. Just setting trends every day of my life back then. A bit of an awkward smile, and I'm going to blame the braces. I seem to remember not being happy when I got these pictures back. Even at the age of 11 I realized how much I looked like an idiot. 

Sixth Grade!

Look at that handsome son of a bitch. Not merely content to wear one shirt, I decided to sew two shirts together I guess. I don't know what made me so happy that day. Well yes actually, I do. It must've been the shirt. Is that suede? The only thing missing is a slogan.


Last one, seventh grade.

From my modernist art phase. Finally decided to get rid of the ol' sideswept bangs look. Why am I not ecstatic like I was last year? You obviously can't tell, but in this picture, at the age of twelve, I was still less than five feet tall, and as either the shortest or second shortest in my grade it probably started to wear on me. Or maybe it just wasn't cool to smile in your school picture like you just won the lottery. Actually no, I probably just missed last year's shirt. 

Hope you like the glimpse into my awkward past. Until next time.


  1. YES. This was necessary for the internet to continue.

  2. This blog post entertained my entire office today. Amazing. Molly said "two years of two toned shirts, oh no, every year is like that"

  3. Ummm... Why does it stop at 7th grade?

  4. Haha, I don't have any more pictures.

  5. How is it possible to wear such fucked-up shirts EVERY SINGLE YEAR?

    "Just setting trends every day of my life back then" is the line of the day.

    You went from looking only tangentially like your current self in third grade to EXACTLY like your current self by fifth grade.

  6. Hand me downs were the key to setting trends every day of his life, not JUST on picture day.

  7. I actually had that same shirt you had in 7th grade.