The Horror of Bengay

(Thanks Brad for the suggestion)


For those of you unfamiliar, Bengay is a topical muscle and joint pain reliever. It goes on cool because it contains menthol, then another one of its active ingredients creates a heating sensation, which increases blood flow to the area, and can relax pain away. After several minutes the heating sensation wears off, and the cooling effect comes back to dull any remaining pain. I can't speak to its effectiveness however, because I've only ever used it improperly.


It all began with several of us hanging out at my house years ago. Brother Mike had a tube of Bengay lying around because he often needed to relieve the pain from being really tough and lifting super heavy shit all the time. Due to boredom, and my utter maleness, I wondered aloud, "What will happen if I put this on my balls?"


Oh fuck this is freezing!


Oh ok that's better..


Hmm, it's getting kinda warm now....

OH MY FUCKING GOD

The horror.


It got really painful really quick, and it kept escalating. After a few minutes I thought "surely the worst is over" and it wasn't. In this way it was not unlike getting kicked in the balls where the pain remains long after the incident. (Side note, why is 'not unlike' a thing? Why didn't I just say 'like'?) Anyway, ball pain! Yes, here's a little timeline to show you what the pain was like.


The Zero Hour: Freezing cold.


One Minute: Numbing, slight tingle.


Two Minutes: Warming up


Three Minutes: Starting to feel a little uncomfortable.


Four Minutes: I think I may have made a terrible mistake.


Five Minutes: I definitely made a terrible mistake.


Six Minutes: OH MY GOD I MIGHT AS WELL HAVE PUT MY BALLS IN THE FURNACE


Seven Minutes: WHY DOES IT STILL HURT SO BADLY? WHY?


Eight Minutes: MY BALLS ARE THE SUN


Nine Minutes: NOTHING IS MAKING IT BETTER. WHY IS NOTHING MAKING IT BETTER?


Ten Minutes: Hang on a minute...I think this might be getting better.


Eleven Minutes: NOPE.


Twelve Minutes: Oh wait..ok, it's starting to cool off a bit now...


Thirteen Minutes: I think I'm going to start exercising, donate to charity, and learn to play an instrument.




It really does last that long, and it really is that painful. I had no idea what I was in for going into it, so after several minutes of searing ball pain, I naturally thought what anyone would.

When you spread something on your balls and the effects last more than 5 minutes that shit must be permanent right? So yes, I was a little nervous for a couple of minutes, but then it subsided, and I felt like I had really conquered something, really accomplished something, even though the only thing I accomplished was doing something stupid and not dying. And it wasn't over.


We were in a large group, so pretty soon every guy in the room did it.

Hey, what's he doing?

Where I was merely content to spread a small amount, others slathered dollops the size of grapefruits onto their nuts. Pretty soon the house was full of fools running all over the place, running up and down the stairs, Miah running into the bathroom and trying to rinse off his balls in the shower to no avail, and just general screaming and chaos.

FUCK IT HURTS WHEN YOU PUT IT ON MY BALLS TOO!

My parents were home by the way. 




By now I'm sure a question has sprung to mind:

Long answer? Some core concepts exist in the mind of every guy on this planet. We all recognize that pain on other people is hilarious. That's why when people fall, we all laugh at them. Additionally, we all respect a guy that takes one for the team, and puts the needs of his friends ahead of his own. If you combine these two concepts, you get a man that is willing to put himself in harm's way in order to make his friends laugh. When a guy watches another guy voluntarily hurt himself the way we all did, he thinks "Now there's a guy that cared about making his friends laugh more than he cared about his own balls, and I can respect the hell out of that."


Short answer? We're stupid.