Monday, December 20, 2010


Well it's happening. The older I get, the more and more people my age are getting married. What the fuck is this all about? The way I feel about marriage hasn't changed much since I was six: I probably won't do that til I'm old as hell.

Pictured: The future.

But obviously not all of my friends feel this way, and good for them! It's a sign of maturity, of planning for the future, of responsibility, or maybe just a sign of saying "eh I think I'm done looking for other people to have sex with". 

Haha but seriously, getting married is a huge step. Those that undertake it probably end up feeling like adults, and as long as I continue to find farts as hilarious as I do now, I don't anticipate ever feeling like an adult, so marriage is not for me at this point.

But, because of friends getting married, I've (go figure) been to some weddings. Let's talk about that!

First I have to figure out just how nicely I plan to dress up. Am I included in the wedding party? Probably not. Ok, most definitely not. So, I've got some options regarding what to wear. Namely, the blue shirt or the black shirt? And do I have a clean pair of slacks right now?  Yeah, I need to expand my formal attire just a bit, but it's ok, I've got this whole plan where I get rich pretty soon then BAM fucking wearing suits every day. Later I burn the suit I wore that that day, and change into my nighttime suit. Then I fucking burn that one in the morning. 

But until then, I'm limited to a few nice shirts, a few nice pants, and a few nice blazers, and basically nothing goes with anything else. I'm not sure how that happened but it leaves me with about 1 1/2 options for when I need to dress up. Or I can wear my tuxedo to the wedding but I probably won't because that would be stupid and I try not to do stupid things (lies). 

Then I attend the wedding. A beautiful ceremony commemorating the time these two have spent together, and the exchanging of vows, illuminating the promising future they have ahead of them. Plus I get to get drunk after. I don't remember when basically every social gathering turned into an excuse to drink, but I LIKE IT. 

Holy shit it's THURSDAY let's RAAAVVVEEE

So the reception comes next. I sign "Dr. Boner Rocketfist" into the guestbook and then have a seat. After eating and drinking far too much to be pleasant while socializing, it's time to socialize. I make sure to put most of my effort into avoiding the majority of the room because who the fuck are these people? But it'll happen eventually. Someone will join the circle and I won't know who they are. After some small talk, I run out of pertinent things to discuss and end up with "Hey man did you see that wedding back there?"

Then since I'm probably still a little buzzed I'll reflect on the moment. I might remember these people back from when I was ten years old, or younger! And what does that profound realization impart on me? Not a whole lot, other than "hey it's way later and I still know them, and that's pretty cool." I also wonder what the newlyweds must think about after the ceremony and reception are all over. 

I imagine all sorts of comedic scenarios. It probably takes awhile to sink in, so maybe a couple weeks go by, they're doing the dishes, and they think "Holy shit I'm married." And then they get dizzy and fall into a pile of plates they got as a wedding gift. 

Like this, except replace the baseball player with plates.

Or maybe one day they're vacuuming and they realize "Holy shit I'm married." And they get dizzy and fall into some more plates. Basically all I can think of involves household chores and ruining plates. Haha, why do they keep those all over the house?

Before I know it, the wedding's over. It's been a great day celebrating the life these two people will have together. Yup, another couple in the books. But time for me to go home and continue laughing at farts. 


  1. Introducing a new game where I try to gauge what Matt Googles to find these images:

    1. old people mustache marriage
    2. south fart
    3. crayon rave light evolution
    4. dinner plate home plate handstand

  2. This one made me laugh the most. Maybe because I too see marriage in my VERY distant (if ever) future and find the institution of marriage to be a bit...laughable. Laughable like boogers make me laugh. OVER AND OUT

  3. "...or maybe one day they're vacuuming and they realize "Holy shit I'm married." And they get dizzy and fall into some more plates. Basically all I can think of involves household chores and ruining plates. Haha, why do they keep those all over the house?" If I could illustrate, I would be a stick figure weeping with laughter on the floor....

  4. Single people get hosed because of weddings, friend's having children, etc. We (single people) have to bring gifts to weddings, to friend's kids being born, friend's kids graduating, etc. But, being single doesn't result in any gifts being given to us. We should have one day called "Single And Loving It", SALI, and our married friends should bring us gifts.

    Love the blog.

    --joe in orono