Saturday, March 19, 2011

Bullshit Facts, OR ARE THEY?!

Everyone knows by now that shit you read on the internet that seems like it isn't true, probably isn't true. And when I say everyone, I actually mean startlingly few. But occasionally you come across some facts that if indeed true, would be awesome. Let's look at some.

Penguins can Jump Six Feet in the Air
You're shitting me. Now when I first read this fact, I pictured something like this:

As you can see from this Picasso, I imagined 6 feet in the air to be a straight vertical jump, kinda like a penguin pogo stick. Then I thought maybe penguins are only really capable of a a 6 foot broad jump, which is way less awesome. So I did some very minimal research. provided me with this brilliant insight:

As helpful as that was, I still felt I needed further clarification. Further research shows that yes, they can indeed jump 6 feet, but the trajectory is never mentioned. However, one site explained that since they are powerful swimmers, they can rocket themselves out of the water onto dry land, a feat we all witnessed in March of the Penguins. Is this what this fact is referring to? Where jumping is merely shorthand for "rocketing out of the water"? Well, I don't really feel like doing any further research so let's move on.

Americans Drink an Average of 90 Million Cans of Beer Every Day
My first thought was, I could never drink 90 million cans of beer in a day. That would take me at least a couple weeks. Soon after I realized oh, Americans collectively drink that much in a day. Well is it true?

Further research points to production of around 6 billion gallons annually, and we'll round that to 15 million gallons a day. That's about 1.9 billion ounces, which converted to 12 ounce cans, is around 150 million cans of beer produced every day. So hopefully we're actually drinking way more than 90 million cans a day. Otherwise we're wasting about 10 million six packs every day. That is truly horrifying.

The World's Oldest Goldfish Lived to be 41 Years Old
This just seems like utter horse shit immediately. Aren't goldfish given to little kids to teach them about death at an early age? Because they inevitably die fairly quickly? If there was ever a goldfish out there that lived to be 41, then either it's some sort of crazy genetic anomaly, or people just really suck at taking care of goldfish. Let's find out.

Well I'll be damned. According to multiple sources, the oldest goldfish lived to be 43! 43 fucking years. It turns out most die much earlier because of improper care. I guess a neglected fishbowl isn't the best place for them to thrive after all! Which makes sense, because if you aren't changing the water regularly, they're swimming in their own shit, which can't be good. They live much longer in ponds and aquariums, and grow much bigger there too. 43 though. Jesus.  

Apparently the 41 year old goldfish was named Fred. The 43 year old was named Tish. Why did I include their names? I don't know.

There's a Town in Newfoundland, Canada Called Dildo
I chose to penetrate deeply into the records, wondering if this was true or not. It turns out it is! 

To the left there, is Dildo Island, which shares its name with countless pornos. 

What must it be like to live there? I imagined inserting myself into the lives of its residents. I probed around, wondering what sorts of sights and activities were at their fingertips. Probably not much, as it's fairly isolated. To get there from the mainland, one would have to travel south. It is Canada though, so I'm sure things get pretty slippery in the winter. Ok, I think I've dicked around with this topic enough, so I'll close with one final question. I wonder if they have an In 'N Out Burger?

If an Orangutan Belches at You, They are Warning You to Stay Away
After wondering if I was perhaps the first person ever to search for "Belching Orangutan Warning", I checked out the veracity of the statement. It shows up all over the internet on random fact and trivia websites, but any sort of background information is conspicuously absent. I guess once you've absorbed that information, what else do you need to know? 


Some pointers for orangutans though, if you want me to stay away, just do something else like I dunno, yelling. Or throwing poo. You primates are pretty famous for that right? Don't get me wrong, If I'm encroaching on your territory, I would much much rather you burp at me than throw poo at my face, but suppose I had never stumbled upon this fact? I would have no idea what to think of your burping other than "wow that orangutan is fucking gross" or "I guess someone just ate" or "shut the fuck up". 

And what if you wanted to be inviting but you'd just had a soda? Friends are dropping by and you're just sitting there burping up a storm. They recognize that as a warning and take off and now how are you going to spend your afternoon? 

Real fucking smart orangutans.

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