Tuesday, March 15, 2011


I wonder where we'd be without cereal. I guess we'd all still be in the same place. Well, unless you worked at a cereal factory, then you'd be somewhere else. But of course, what I meant was how would society differ? I guess we'd all eat more eggs. 


But the reality of the situation is, the cereality if you will, is that it does exist. Thumbs up for that, because I'm a fan of cereal. So, in my unending desire to to break things up into manageable chunks since I have attention issues, I propose that there are four kinds of cereal. Healthy, benign, unhealthy, and hot. 

Here we find cereal like Kashi, Honey Bunches of Oats, Raisin Bran, granola related cereals, etc. Cereals with ten thousand different vitamins and minerals, and so much fiber you will shit immediately after eating it! These are for the people that like to start their day off the right way. They might even get fancy and put berries and bananas in it. 

Oh wait, bananas are berries. Ok uh, berries and...other fruit. They are usually advertised as "Part of a complete breakfast!" Because that slogan tends to work better than "This is an incomplete breakfast." Cereal like this makes you feel good, not only because it's healthy, but because you can feel proud for not succumbing to the temptation to just stuff your fat face with doughnuts instead.

I like to eat some of these. Particularly "Go Lean Crunch" because not only does it sound like some sort of power up, but it tastes alright, and doesn't come with regret. The drawback though is that like most healthy cereals, it's fucking expensive. And I don't mean in the grand scheme of things. It's not as expensive as say, a boat, but as far as cereals go, $4 for a tiny box is a bit much. 

This category includes cereals like corn flakes, shredded wheat, chex, and rice krispies. Ah rice krispies, perpetuating the trend of making shit just a little bit different by replacing a c with a k because they sound the same! 

These cereals are kind of healthy too I guess, but aren't really marketed as such. I think the only reason they're still around is because back in the day when cereal was a new thing, they didn't bother adding all kinds of fancy ingredients. Simply the fact that it was this new thing called "cereal" was enough to make people go "awesome, I can't wait to add some milk to that shit." (It's astounding how little research went into that statement). 

But hey, here we are decades later, and all these cereals are still around. I'm thinking it's partially because of brand loyalists, but also because these companies have gotten creative. Would rice krispies still be around without rice krispie treats? Would corn flakes still be around if you couldn't crush them up and add them to things like breaded meat and cereal bars? Would shredded wheat still be around if it wasn't for really boring people? Who knows.

"I was sleeping on this pillow made of wheat and thought, HEY, CEREAL!"

A third reason they're still around, and also the reason I sometimes eat them, is because they're cheap as hell. For $2.50 I can get enough corn flakes to feed a bus. 

Like, a bus full of people. Buses themselves don't eat. Unless you were going to make a new cereal called "gasoline flakes" or something.

..Fuck you.

These are my favorite. Boo Berry, Count Chocula, Cookie Crisp, Reese's Peanut Butter Puffs etc. I love all of that shit. These guys like to advertise all their vitamins and minerals too, while conveniently failing to mention how loaded with mostly not vitamins they are. The only reason people buy them is because of the sugar, and possibly because they hate ghosts.

Imma eat you.

These cereals are mostly for kids, or irresponsible adults. A fun trend among these cereals is mascots, because kids won't eat shit without a cartoon on the box. Cap'n Crunch, the Lucky Charms Leprechaun, the Trix Rabbit, Count Chocula (BAM TWO MENTIONS IN ONE ARTICLE) Tony the Tiger, and more! Corn Flakes eventually caught on to that mascot trend, and went from this:


To this:


Lately I've been on  reese's peanut butter puffs tear. Well, it's actually the generic brand, called cocoa peanut butter spheres, which I think I like better cause of "spheres". It's like they took an already great cereal, and injected it with science. I try not to buy sugary cereal too much though, cause I eat it so god damn fast I might as well have never bought it in the first place. 

Hot Cereal
These only make it in on a technicality. Shit like oatmeal and cream of wheat. It's bullshit. I'm done talking about it. Why did I even include it.

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