Tuesday, May 31, 2011

More "FACTS"

Once again, in the interest of internet vigilantism, and avoiding productivity, I have found more supposed "facts" and looked beyond. What treasures of knowledge did I find? ARE THESE REALLY TRUE? YOU GUYS WON'T BELIEVE THIS SHIT!  FUUCK!

People in China Don't Eat Cheese
Whaaaat? I found this especially hard to believe because of how much cheese I eat. Seriously, this is what my food pyramid looks like:

As you can see, I couldn't imagine living without such a large staple of my diet. 

So as I've done previously, before I research whether or not this profound statement is true, let's look at the implications of a cheese-less society.

First off, no pizza. 

I can't imagine living somewhere where there aren't countless pizza franchises, all claiming to be the best. Let's see what else...no macaroni and cheese! So what's the backup plan for dinner when kids refuse to eat shit like brussels sprouts? Also, Chinese people must be a lot less constipated. So is it true?

Well it turns out there's some truth to this. Chinese culture went without any cow by-products for quite awhile, so the gene for lactose intolerance wasn't necessarily bred out of them. So nowadays, even though cheese is much more readily available in a globalized economy, I guess some Chinese people are like old grandparents sitting on their rocking chairs on their porches talking about how "back in my day, we didn't need cheese, and GOD DAMMIT WE STILL DON'T!" 

But come on, all of China? Not possible. This fact needs a lot of footnotes. As you might imagine, while Chinese culture has a lot less cheese, plenty of them still fucking eat it because it god damn rules.

The Waiting List for an Apartment in Poland is 20 Years
Once again, whaaattt? When I first read this I thought it was referring to just renting an apartment. A funny scenario sprung to mind wherein as soon as a child was born the parents immediately thought "Oh FUCK, if he wants someplace to live at college in 20 years we've gotta get him on the list fucking quick!!" Then they irresponsibly dash out of the hospital and drive to the building with the apartment list so they can write down their names and secure their baby's future. Haha, why didn't just one of them go so the other could stay at the hospital? Crazy Polish people. 

But then I realized it would only make sense with regard to buying an apartment. Still though, 20 years? Why don't they just build more apartments?

Holy shit you guys we can fucking make more of these!

(I think that dude is about to get hit by that cement truck.)

Anyways, doesn't that statistic seem a bit outrageous? So I looked into it and this site talks about the late eighties being a time where the waiting list was about 15 years. I don't feel like researching too deeply into Polish history to find out why the waiting list supposedly hasn't gotten shorter, cause I've had a few beers and fuck that.

I did find plenty of real estate listings for apartments in Poland though, and failed to notice any fine print about possibly dying of old age before you own one.

The First Hearing Aids were Too Large to be Worn
Well what fucking good were they then? Suppose someone's walking through town, not hearing shit, when suddenly someone appears to say something interesting. Maybe something like "you look like a man that can hear pretty well." So the fellow with the hearing problem says, "follow me back to my office, then wait a bit while I hook up this contraption, then tell me again." Man, that dude should've just brought a pad of paper around with him. 

Seriously though, were the first hearing aids only for home use? Or does "too large to be worn"  mean they were portable, just not hands free? I need some fucking answers.

Apparently the first electronic hearing aids were the size of a desk radio and "large and unwieldy". I suppose you could still carry it around with you though. Maybe you could push it around on a little cart, and then when someone speaks you shout at them, "NO! Say it into this little box!"

I'm assuming that's how they worked anyway. I dunno, I kinda stopped reading.  

Bats Always Turn Left when Exiting a Cave
I've been hearing this for years and always smelled bullshit. Allow me to demonstrate why. Here is a bat cave:

Whoops, sorry. Here is a bat cave:

Now suppose I took on a little construction project and...

Now I bet those bats learn to stop turning left pretty quickly.

I researched further and found out it certainly was bullshit. Plenty of sites talked about the moon or some other dumb thing affecting the bat's inner navigational systems, but then plenty more sites said the people on those first sites were fucking idiots. Say you always turn towards the moon, left will still be different depending on if the cave faces north or south. Or what if there's just a wall on the left side of entrance, what are they gonna do, fly into it and die? Pff.

I was shocked to learn that the internet had told yet another lie, but after a cold shower I've come to grips with it. 

Wait, bats turning left out of a cave...

I'll be damned.


  1. Hahaha. Too many good lines for me to call out just one.

  2. Bats turning left out of a cave! HAHAHAHAHAHA!