Sunday, February 27, 2011

The Mustache

So I was looking at the picture of that dude at the top of my list post, and I noticed something. That's a hell of a mustache. Then I found myself thinking about mustaches for awhile.

Let's start with the spelling. I'm sure you've all seen it spelled moustache. But which is correct? Let's find out!

Yup. I actually did this.

Well, the only definition of it with this spelling, is the same word spelled differently. I guess this proves that while it's not technically incorrect to throw the 'o' in there, it's like spelling shop, "shoppe", which is to say, old fashioned. I don't know anyone that actually does this. Probably because I don't associate with no good letter wasters. Nope, not in this country.

Moving on, it seems there are three main categories of mustaches. The ironic stache, the the cop stache, and the genuine stache. It's also worth mentioning the phenomenon that doesn't quite deserve its own category: the pube stache. Haha! A red squiggly line. Google doesn't think pube is a word! Well it's time they faced the truth:

Eh..the window was still open.
Take that google. By the way, look at the pronunciation key. Pjub? What the fuck is a pjub? 

Back to mustaches. I'm going to give my thoughts on all three categories, even though I know virtually nothing about any of them and aside from this spectacular display of facial hair/shortsightedness:

I rarely dabble in the realm of mustachedom at all.

But what are blogs, if not people speaking at length on subjects they know nothing about?

The Ironic Stache
I get it. As far as facial hair goes, having only a mustache isn't exactly common, or a bold fashion statement. Some people like to sport one anyway, with the full knowledge that they are generally not considered suave. This is perhaps with the hope to project the idea that anything, even a mustache, can be worn with confidence. The ladies will see the mustache triumphantly affixed to one's face and think "there's a guy that rejects social norms, I want to have sex with him." While other dudes will think "I wish I was cool enough to get away with donning a mustache like that." And win win for the agent of mustache adornment! He becomes the envy of other dudes, and the object of infatuation for the ladies. Whether or not these objectives are actually realized is anyone's guess however. It's generally fairly thin, with the occasional flourish. 


Ok... this one's actually pretty awesome.
Draw your own conclusions.

The Cop Stache
To be a good cop, you need a certain amount of steadfastness. You can't constantly be bending the rules for people just because you feel sorry for them, I guess. If you're arresting someone and they detect a hint of compassion, they will exploit that weakness. Well apparently in the police academy, they teach you that your upper lip will betray your supposed iron constitution and you need to cover that shit up. I guess a mustache is slightly more intimidating than no mustache, unless you're one of those four folks above. It's typically a uniform thickness all the way across the upper lip.

You are
Haha, you had to know one of these guys was coming.
The Genuine Stache 
Occasionally similar in appearance to the ironic stache. One of the maine differences however is intention. Guys that wear the genuine stache may or may not be aware of its relevance in modern fashion, but don't give a shit. They sport the stache because they fucking like it, and fuck you if you don't. The other major difference between this and the ironic stache is length of application. One who grows the ironic stache will more often than not give up on it after a period of time. Growers of the genuine stache however, will don it proudly throughout the years.

And let's not forget:

The Pube Stache
It gets it name due its popularity among those in mid-puberty, and also because it looks like pubes on your face. The excitement of being able to grow any facial hair at all somehow outweighs the much more rational decision of waiting until it's at least a respectable amount. It's not usually a problem as it's mostly junior high kids that try it out, and they don't know anything, so they can be forgiven. However, among grown men, it becomes a more curious phenomenon. Also for some reason it seems to be a favorite among athletes.


I suppose this opens the door for a possible future post on beards. 

Probably won't do it though.

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