My Relationship with Caffeine.

Back in 7th grade, the kids that opted into foreign language also got the option to go to Quebec for a few days. What does that have to do with caffeine? Well, we had to get up ridiculously early, so even after driving north for a couple hours, it was still early enough for breakfast. Hey look, free coffee with our breakfasts! And it smelled great! My mom drank it, and I always thought it smelled pleasant, I just never bothered to try it. A few of the other kids were drinking coffee so hey, maybe it wasn't a drink just for adults! 

Suffering.

It tasted like shitty hot water. I couldn't really detect a flavor. It was almost like they took hot chocolate, except they made it suck. Why did people drink this? Me and a few friends at the table all shared that sentiment. Then our collective brainpower came up with "OH! We haven't put any cream and sugar in it yet, DUH!" 

A lighter shade of suffering.

Tasted almost exactly the same. I think we all ended up trying it with four creams and four sugars. But by then, enough time had passed so it tasted like lukewarm not-very-sweet-despite-four-sugars water. I don't know what we expected. It's not like you can add a couple air fresheners to a giant pile of shit and expect it to smell much better. Near the end of breakfast this one d-bag was actually walking around with his coffee, because apparently this was some sort of convention? But anyway he noticed our coffee undertakings and made some smarmy remark. So we asked "Well, how many creams and sugars did you put in that?" And he said "Oh..I drink it black". 

Fuck you you piece of shit.

So needless to say it was years before I tried coffee again. I still thought it smelled great though, so I knew I'd give it another chance one day. 

One day...

Well like it does for most people, that day came in college. "If only there was some sort of magical drink that could keep me alert late into the night so I could finish all this work I didn't do."

Forget that it tasted bad, I'll just bite the bullet and load it with some cream and sugar. And I'll do it RIGHT this time. None of that "equal" or "splenda" shit. I'll harvest pure sugarcane and milk my own god damn cow. Well my palate had developed so it wasn't terrible. Still didn't drink it much though. 

Then came Microdyne. 

Good morning! You're gonna have to talk to about 100 mostly angry people today! And to do a good job, you're gonna have to stay energetic throughout the whole thing! 

What had I done? 

Well I suffered through it for awhile. Noobz like me didn't take as many calls for the first couple weeks so there was a lot of downtime. But then the calls started piling on. This was awful. Ah lunch breaks! A momentary lapse in the horror. Hmm, maybe I'll try an energy drink today. That couldn't hurt.

HI MY NAME IS MATT I'LL BE ASSISTING YOU TODAY AND I'M ALSO YOUR BEST FRIEND!...HAHA THAT'S THE FUNNIEST FUCKING THING I'VE EVER HEARD SIR. YOU SOUND AWESOME...OH YOU'D LIKE TO CANCEL? LOLGOODJOKE LET ME JUST BE WICKED GOOD AT SELLING YOU SOME SHIT FOR A SECOND INSTEAD!!

And that was that. I had an energy drink almost every day and it was AWESOME. I had a great time being the most awesome person in the world from about 1:30 to 3:15 every day. But then of course you start to depend on it without even realizing it. Some days I'd think "Pff I don't need any caffeine today, I feel fine." But then by mid afternoon the customers turned from understandably peeved individuals to goddamn motherfuckers. 

"Hi, this is Matt. I hate you. Oh you want to cancel today? Well FUCK YOU."

Of course the transformation was all in my head. I stuck with my one drink per day caffeine habit, and we got along fine. There have been stints where I quit for awhile because I needed the occasional system reboot, but I always end up going back to it. And what's great is after you ween yourself off it, once you go back, the caffeine buzz feels brand new again. 

And it makes you do things like this.

 

A Journey into my Artistic Mind

So I was perusing through some old pictures and I stumbled upon a bunch of old drawings I had made, mostly from years ago. Some I have no memory of even drawing. Let's take a look and see if we can't figure out what the hell was going through my mind.

This charming fellow is called "prison man". I guess the reason for that is pretty clear.. What's not clear is why I drew him. Serendipitous.

Here's a drawing scanned from the pages of an old notebook. What the fuck? Let's break this up into its constituent parts:

 

Guy on rocket, (how did he get there?)

Guy that is clearly late for work.

                                                                                                                                 

Guy with a bow and arrow.

And of course, the obligatory cat like thing with a football helmet and a big  fat dude who is either enormous and climbing  over the horizon, or is growing out of the football helmet..somehow.

I think I drew this during sociology. Some questions come to mind. If technology for automobiles and rockets exists, why is that guy still using a bow and arrow to kill things? Like the last caption queries, is that fat guy lumbering over the horizon? Or is he attached to the helmet somehow? Why didn't that asshole just leave earlier for work? Why is that cat thing so fired up? And more importantly, what team does he play for?

Moving on...

He has a question, apparently.

This one is titled, "Mexican Salsa Man". I remember some details. Back in the AIM heyday, I got a mysterious message from someone called MexicanSalsaMan. Their messages were vague and disconnected and I never found out who it was. I thought the name was funny though, so I drew a picture of what I thought he might look like. Maybe it's an accurate drawing, and maybe someone will recognize him.

Maybe...

Haha! This one still makes me laugh. Sometimes you have to wonder, what if beans came to life? What if you still tried to eat those beans? What would they look like if they started a revolution? What would they call themselves? Well thanks to this picture, all those questions have finally been answered. You're welcome. 

Drew this for the hell of it one day. It really looks quite a bit like Mike. Look:

Haha.

Let's look at some more!

This one is appropriately titled ARGH. I think I tried to draw what it would look like if someone's angry grandfather started yelling at them through a peephole. I didn't do a very good job.

This guy has a banana where his mouth should be. Thanks to this drawing, next time you eat a banana you'll recognize how similar in shape bananas and mouths are. 

Let's look at one more.

I don't even know what to say about this one, except check out the motion lines on those maracas. 

I hope you enjoyed looking through the mind of a bored and untalented artist. Until next time.

Owls, because what better way to start a blog off on the right foot?

So owls occupy that odd space in the world of being hilarious and also terrifying. Allow me to demonstrate:

Hilarious

Terrifying

Both

They're just very odd creatures. They seem to have two expressions. Angry as hell, and surprised as hell. I dare you to find a picture of an owl where its expression can be characterized as something besides those two. 


I remember going on a bird sanctuary field trip while in elementary school. Well, I have only one actual memory of the place, so I guess the first sentence should read "I remember being at a bird sanctuary once, and can only assume how I got there". The memory is of the smallest breed of owl. I remember even as a small child thinking "wow that thing is fucking cute even though it kind of looks like it wants to murder me." I learned that they have pinpoint accuracy hearing, and such large eyes so they can hunt effectively. I seem to remember the dude with the owl saying 


"Humans can tell 'hey that sound came from that tree', while owls can tell 'hey that sound came from that tree, third branch from the top on the right side on the second leaf from the end'".

You fuckers don't stand a chance. 

Remember that scene from Milo and Otis?

I also learned that they can't move their eyes in their sockets, so they make up for this by being able to turn their heads just about 360°. You know, just like those creepy dolls from your nightmares. 

Along with the fact that they always look angry, they possess the tools to find you no matter where you try to hide, and they can turn their heads all the way around, I'm sure you all remember the fact that they regurgitate what they can't digest. That's right, nature doesn't make them pay for being savage enough to swallow furry little creatures whole. They just think "Fuck it, I'll just vomit up the bones and hair later and be no worse for wear!"

So, I've outlined all of their scary and/or disgusting features for you.

I still kind of want one as a pet. 

Oh and don't be scared about the cute little mice.

He'll protect them.

It begins.