Wednesday, April 27, 2011

This and That

Here's some random shit I bothered to write down.

What's with the saying "I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy's dog"?
Well of fucking course you wouldn't. What does the dog have to do with anything? Just because the dog is in close proximity to your enemy doesn't mean shitty traits are rubbing off on the dog. Anyone that hates a person so much that even their dog's misfortune is enough to make them think "Close enough!" is a fucking shitty person. 

You'll have to do.

Mystery Hair
Occasionally we'll all notice a stray hair on our clothes or something. Sometimes this hair is much longer than any of our own, so we'll wonder, where did it come from?

"I'm around chicks so much it's only natural for some of their hair to end up on my clothes" - Douchebag.

"This could actually be from a dude with long it's probably from a hot chick" - Slightly more rational douchebag.

"Did someone put this here on purpose?" - Paranoid asshole.

"This smells really good." - Creep.

"I'm going to include this in a blog post." - Loser.

I wonder when I'll drive a car again.
I don't own a car anymore, and I don't need one where I live, so here's how I imagine the next time I get behind the wheel:

Dear people behind the announcers at sporting events that suddenly realize they're on TV: 
Fuck you. Can't you just sit still? If you have to be an attention craving asshole, at least do something creative, don't just wave incessantly for five minutes. I'm sure one or two people watching are saying "oh look it's Dave!" but most are probably thinking "Fuck that guy and his goofy grin."

Why are there two locked doors in the entrances of some buildings? 
Nobody's going to bust through one door, see a second door and think "Shucks! Guess I'll go home!" If they possess the tools or strength to get past the first door without a key, the second door will only slow them down, and this will probably just make them more angry by the time they get to your apartment and start stealing your things.

You know what? I guess if someone forgets to lock one door, they'll hopefully remember to lock the second, which cuts a burglar's chance in half. God dammit. It makes perfect sense. Fuck it, I'm leaving my rant on here.

Sometimes in life, you just won't know how to act.
Like how not to feel a little awkward when you:

Try to do something suave and injure yourself really badly. 

Buy toilet paper.

These folks have to do it far less often.

Say "what?" more than twice.

Send more than two un-reciprocated texts.

Make eye contact with a mother whose child just backed into your crotch.

Over the years, this is how I've felt while in church:

0-8: Enthralled

8-12: Bored

12-16: Bored

14-20: Bored


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